It occurs to me as I sit alone in the dark shovelling instant noodles down my gullet at a little past 10 pm watching Ariana Grande’s latest music video for Love Me Harder, that I may have peaked at the tender age of 26. I might have actually already peaked by the time I reached 23.
But can we just take a minute to comment on this little gem of a ditty because you guessed it – Ariana G and Jessie J are set to remake this beauty.
First of all, YES. I need this song in my life again.
Second, these two better be ready to bring enough street to this video because if we don’t got urban, we got nothing.
Third, does Ariana Grande even know who Brandy and Monica are? I’m pretty sure Ariana was still in the womb when that song dropped.
What I’m really trying to get at here though is that A’s youthful beauty is almost blinding. I can’t stop staring at her. How does a person’s skin even radiate that much light? Is that even safe?
More than that, could it be that my young and supple days have come and gone in a blink of an eye? It cannot be that the days of sensual writhing in the sand in nothing but stilettos and a bustier are already behind me.
In fact, I refuse. So on a Wednesday night at a time that is far past my bedtime, hear this, hear my pledge.
I pledge to once again become young and supple. Whatever it takes – if I have to douse myself in Nivea firming lotion for hours, devour almonds and cashews by the kilo, and live on a diet of only chia seeds and quinoa, I will do it.
I’m of course 100% not going to keep to the part where I eat only chia seeds and quinoa because, obviously. Instead, I will commit to practice rolling around seductively on the floor, which I think we all know is pretty much like saying the same thing.