September – A Month for New Leaves

Unless you’re me, and instead of new leaves, your first week has been week of horror.  Instead of leaf turning, you find yourself reversing major life decisions that you’ve just spent the past eight months rearranging your world around.

New Leaves

After finding myself in horror classroom predicament surrounded by young, perky, supple twenty year olds as if some weathered old crone, the realization that full time adult education is actually quite shit hits me like a ton of bricks.

Factors (besides a fundamental laziness) in my decision to become loser adult ed dropout in late twenties include the following exchanges:

1.

Instructor: Listen, I won’t lie to all of you.  This program is awful.  It’s hard.  It’s worse than hard.  It’s like being through a war that nobody understands.

Me: Frozen Silence.

2.

Young Supple Girl #1:  Ya, I’m taking this program cause like I heard it’s supposed to be like really good but like super hard, so I’m like really worried about all that stuff, you know?

Young Supple Girl #2: Oh ya, like for sure.  I heard the same thing.  But like it’s not like I’m getting any younger, I’m so old now.

Young Supple Girl #1: Me too! Like even though I already have a job in HR that I love, I can’t like just stay in that job forever you know.  I mean, I’m already 20.

Young Supple Girl #2: At least you’re only 20!  I’m 21, I just might as well be like dead.

Me: Frozen Silence.

So instead of taking class to become educated individual and get career with potential, I am in same spot as before spending most of my day resisting the urge to stab eye.  At least now that I’m in the latter half of my twenties, I am sophisticated and mature enough to realize which behaviours I need to modify.

I WILL

– Think positive thoughts about life
– Take up refined hobby like knitting, crochet, or basket weaving and spend evenings in crafting project that people make people look at me with wonder and awe

crochet

– Stimulate mind with activities like chess, crosswords, and yoga rather than rotting mind with rubbish netflix every night
– Treat boyfriend better and stop being old miserable frigid cow all the time.  Will stop wearing ratty t-shirt size of trash bag all around the house.
–> (Will instead look into lingerie?  Find out what garter is, how to purchase it, and how to put on?)
– Drink posh beverages like gin, wine, and craft beer instead of no classy cheap vodka that is reminiscent of rubbing alcohol
– Focus at work so can move up to job with some sense of satisfaction
– Buy more quality item pieces of clothing so as to look posh rather than hundreds of rubbish quality clothing items that come apart in washing machine
– Control portion sizes
– Spend evenings finding peace in cooking and baking delicious food items in manner of domestic goddess, Nigella Lawson

domestic goddess

– Host more elegant dinners at home with friends rather than spend all my money on trashy bar where heavy men step all over shoes
– Go to the gym at least three times a week, not just to stare at fit personal trainers

I WILL NOT

– Compare myself with skinny beautiful girls who have fabulous lives, jobs, and boyfriends
– Form obsessive attachments to pubescent boy bands as have now reached age where I can no longer justify age gap without sounding like pedophile
– Spend three hours at a time scouring said girls’ Facebook or Instagram accounts, but instead will do something productive like cook a tagine
– Spend three hours at a time on Facebook or Instagram accounts all together, but rather immerse self in stimulating endeavours such as classical music
– Drink entire bottles of wine to myself on a weeknight but rather, limit self to classy glass or two

solo drink

– Spend entire paycheques on happy hour alcohol selections
– Eat all the contents of snack drawer when have had a bad day but rather, munch on carrot stick.
– Spend entire evenings watching dreadful netflix programs
– Go out to trashy club on Saturday night and become sloppy drunken person who tries to talk to anyone who will have her

Am fairly confident that these behaviours, once enforced, will have meant I’ve become respectable and functioning adult person who will no longer need to rely on on months old chocolates hidden under bed, entire pies, and extra large portions of poutine to survive.

To September, a month of new leaves, new goals, and new behaviours.

 

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